NOT READY TO DIE
Hi,
I’m Nick, and I’m an addict. I almost have 4 years clean, and I will be turning 35 in November 2009.
I wasn’t an addict who thought he would die from using. I thought that only happened to others, and would not happen to me; until I began to beg for my life a few times in which I used more than my ordinary dose. I was on a mission to die, but I was not willing to pull the trigger. My life had become a complete mess, and I wanted out. The drugs had turned me into someone I never thought I would have become. I was friendless and on my way to being homeless. My parents did not want me around anymore. Looking back, I think I could have manipulated someone into letting me live with them. However, I was so sick and tired; I couldn’t even think straight, or what I viewed as straight, anymore. My life had become completely unmanageable and unimaginable. I never thought I would have sold practically everything I owned or hated life so much I would want to have died, but that was the case. Looking back, I think I just wanted love, acceptance, and attention; but I didn’t know how to go about getting that without hurting myself and those who loved me. I wanted to be the focus. I guess I was still acting like a baby. The time came though, when I needed to grow up, and get clean, or else I would die. I had to return to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous clean, and reach out to those who helped me and others before I relapsed, around the four-year point. Believe it or not, a lot of people were still there with their hands out waiting to pull me up and out from the horrors of addiction, and there were many others. They helped me get on my feet, and begin this new life. You see, previously, I was in the program for about four years. I hardly did any steps, or held any lasting relationship with a sponsor. I basically, looking back, allowed my disease to over power me, and keep me from being who I was supposed to be. I am grateful that I didn’t die from the relapse, and God gave me another chance. I think I already had my second chance.
This time things were a lot different, but I still saw that, no matter what I did, my disease was still waiting for me. This time, I have tools to deal with my disease, and I don’t have to let it control my life anymore. I have a choice today, and that’s one of the many benefits of being clean for me. I don’t have to use “no matter what.” I must say if it wasn’t for the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, and all of the addicts who attend our meetings, I am 99.9% sure I would be dead today.
I am forever grateful to N.A. and the God of my understanding for showing me this new way to live because when I was out there using, I know that I never did really want to die. I just wanted the suffering to end, and for me to find a new way to live, and that’s what I found here.