THIS MONTH'S GUEST SPEAKER: "Nicole"
Originally posted in Jan. 2009(The author retains all rights to this material)
WHAT A FEELING
I used drugs to fit in with others, and I liked the feeling. I remember not knowing who I really was or where I belonged in this world, and I wore “masks”. I learned early on how to hide out and fly under the radar.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. I think I grew up too fast because of it. We had what everyone else would say was a great life. I definitely felt better off and better than. After all, I was an honors student, growing up in a beautiful house. I first experimented with marijuana and alcohol at the age of 10. I liked to laugh and joke, as a way to hide my insecurities. Drugs made life seem easier.
I always felt different from others. I spoke very properly, and my cousins always made me feel different. I just wanted to fit in. At 13, I had a boyfriend who was considerably older and he drank, so to fit in, I drank; and had blackouts.
In college, I was introduced to many other drugs, but one drug grabbed me right away, I was hooked immediately. Using once every other month, turned into every other weekend, to every weekend, and so on. I didn’t finish college.
It took some years, but eventually I started losing jobs, cars and relationships. I always thought the problem was with everyone else or my Geographic’s, but NOT me. My whole life was consumed with the daily ritual of getting and using drugs. I tried institutions, and psychiatry just to get my loved ones off my back. The biggest lie is the one I told myself, that I could use successfully. In the end, I used every day and went to many lengths to get what I wanted. I had no idea who I had become.
One morning, I got a call, telling me that I had lost another chance at a job, for failing the pre employment urine screen. The truth hit me. If I continue to use drugs, my life will never change. In despair, I hit my knees, looked up in the air, and cried out “HELP!, please help me not get high today, I can’t promise anything about tomorrow, but please help me not get high today!!” Then I immediately called everyone who “knew” I was going to get that job, and I got honest. For the first time, I faced my future head on.
I stayed clean that day. The next day, I called an old using buddy, who I heard got clean. I asked him for the location of an NA meeting. I made a meeting, raised my hand and got a meeting list. The next day I called a stranger from the list. She picked me up for another meeting. I made a meeting every day. The feeling of belonging and understanding is what kept me going back. It was there that learned alcohol is a drug.
My life today is beyond my wildest dreams. I am celebrating 18 months clean now. Because I follow the NA way, those 8 simple suggestions, this has been the best time of my life. Today I work steps with a sponsor, I make a lot of meetings, I am honest with myself. I have a home group and a service commitment. Most importantly, no matter how I feel, I don’t use. I Thank God for the program and the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous for saving my life and introducing me to Me. Today, I stay clean, a day at a time, and I LOVE the feeling.