THIS MONTH'S GUEST SPEAKER: "Mark M."
Originally posted in Dec. 2003(The author retains all rights to this material)
I DID NOT KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN
I had spent my entire life waiting to receive what life owes me. It has been a long wait. I did well in my sport. And I seemed to find the peace I thought I needed out on the water. I always allowed other people to make my decisions for me . This made me feel less than and not quite good enough, so I avoided many opportunities. This in turn made me an angry man. I followed the course of life, figuring that it would work itself out. It never did. There was always that hole inside of me. I moved to a new country. I got married, I went through many jobs, and I had a daughter. But I used continually, trying only for short intervals to stop using. My wife threatened to leave me many times if I did not stop using. I never took it seriously.
When my wife told me she did not want to be married to me anymore, my world came crashing down. I did not know which way to turn. I had no family here and I did not trust anyone. The guy who was the best man at my wedding and who I thought was my friend, took this opportunity to hook up with my wife and my wife welcomed it. She became pregnant and asked me to take her to have an abortion, which I did not agree with. I felt used and betrayed. But with the help of a sponsor I was able to accept this for the most part and get through it.
My wife at the time was seeing a spiritual advisor who suggested that I go to an NA meeting to help me with my using problems. My main obsession was marijuana but I would try anything that came along. I really enjoyed coke but I did not happen to land in that circle. I never stuck a needle in my arm, so I was convinced that I was not an addict.
I needed some sort of help though. After attending my first NA meeting in a bad area, I was scared. But after overcoming the fear and going in, I was immediately greeted with a hug that made me feel very welcome and at home. I still have doubts as to whether I am doing the right thing but I am reassured on a daily basis that I am on the right track by the people in my life today and the bit of peace that I am feeling in my life. It has taken a little while but it feels to be getting stronger and stronger. I don’t know much and have come to learn and accept that I cannot control things around me but I can have a positive influence on things. I have come to appreciate myself more, and to accept and enjoy the life I have been given. I do know one thing though that I never have to use again and have that confused feeling in my life again. And when I think of using, I have people to turn to.
Pain is necessary - suffering is optional. The things that I have always dreamed of are becoming a reality today. I have also given up cigarettes using this program. And applying this program to my life to achieve a sense of peace in my life.
I am grateful to NA for giving me a reason and the power to find a new way to live. I am an addict named Mark.