THIS MONTH'S GUEST SPEAKER: "Kittie"
Originally posted in Feb. 2008(The author retains all rights to this material)
It is Friday night January 11, 2008 and I did three meetings today. After attending the meetings, I came home and got on the NA website, found this site and decided to share my experience strength and hope.
My name is Kittie and I am an addict.
In 1993, I found myself hopelessly addicted to drugs. I found myself using and praying at the same time. I would pray as I took a hit, GOD please don't let me die. I had reached a point as the literature calls it "animalistic level" the degradation was below degradation, there is not even a word that I am familiar with that's lower than degradation. I had entered treatment for the third or fourth time in December of 1993 after losing an exhausting battle with drugs. I was introduced to the NA Fellowship by way of treatment. It was something about those people when they came to carry the message on Friday night; it was one of our popular meetings. I can remember this one young lady had on crisp white gym shoes that were an attraction for me since I had become such a bum in the course of my addiction. Upon release from treatment, I stayed clean for about 3 or 4 days, not really paying attention when they came to carry the message on Friday nights, I didn't hear them when they talked about what to do when the obsession to use drugs comes over us, I remember them saying something about getting to the NA meeting, but I didn't know what to do once I got there, so I sat through the entire meeting wanting to use and did not share or tell anyone, then I proceeded to leave the meeting and fight the disease by myself, well today I know that self sufficiency is lie, but that day I didn't know it so I used. That run lasted for 6 months, by June of 1994 I was beaten again, the runs were getting shorter and shorter.
June 1, 2004, I entered treatment and this time I was serious, I am not going to use drugs anymore, I am through, but because of my attitude of indifference and intolerance toward spiritual principles, I only lasted i n treatment for about one month when it was a 90 day program. Although I didn’t successfully complete treatment, I was determined to stay clean, so GOD placed some recovering addicts in my path as soon as I left treatment who gave me some directions. I followed that direction and made it to the meeting. When I arrived I met other addicts and one of them was willing to help me and picked me up for the next 30 days and took me to different NA meetings. ( I am very grateful for this addict). After the 30 days he said you are plugged in now, you are now responsible for your own recovery. I did my 90/90, got a sponsor, home group, literature, telephone numbers and began doing service work. I was very involved in the fellowship/program.
I stayed clean for 7 months and then life struck, I was diagnosed with an incurable disease and I was not sharing honestly with the members about the things that I was facing so the day that the Doctor told me about this other incurable disease, I was devastated. I also fell into the Self Sufficiency lie again, because I was trying to deal with the problem by myself instead of sharing with someone what I was facing and asking them to walk through it with me. Along with that during my first 7 months clean I was practicing so many behaviors that were not conducive to recovery, that again when the obsession to use came over me, I gave in once again. I was so devastated by the fact that I had picked up again, I just hit my ultimate bottom spiritually. I was convinced that once I had stayed clean for 7 months that I would never use drugs again. But, because I didn’t understand my true state of powerlessness, when opportunity and desire met, I choose to do what I always did use. Fortunately, for me I stayed out for one 24 hr and returned to the meeting the next day with 24 hours or less clean, it was January 13, 1995. Because of the connection I had made during those first 7 months, I had met a lot of people who had came to believe in me and wanted to help me in my recovery, so from that day forward with the help of God and the Fellowship I haven’t found it necessary to use any mind altering mood changing substance to alter the way I feel.
On January 14, 2008, I will celebrate 13 years clean. The journey has been awesome!!!
Recovery hasn’t been a bed of roses for me, as a result of my own self-centeredness, resentment, anger, fear, jealousy, envy, self-loathing and many other defects. But, as a result of not using drugs no matter what, working with a sponsor, attending meetings regularly, staying involved in service, attend area and world conventions, and reaching out to newcomers, these 12 years, 11 months, and 28 days has been the best life I have ever known. The message holds true in my life, I have stopped using drugs, I have lost the desire to use and I am in the process of finding a new way of life. This new way of life is not always easy, but it is very rewarding. This new way of life has afforded me the opportunity to reunite with myself, family, friends, and children. I have relationship that is meaningful today. Sponsorship has been a very priceless relationship and to give away what has been so freely given to be is also priceless. Today, I am still excited about the journey of recovery that is why I made three meetings today. I am excited about lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise, I am excited about bridging the gap that was broken between God and myself through the 12 step journey. Thank you God for NA, the literature states that many of us have become very Grateful during the course of our recovery and it also says that many of us has realized that there is only one way for us to live and that is THE NA WAY!!!!
THANKS GOD AND NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS FOR HELPING ME FIND A NEW WAY OF LIFE!!!
Kittie S. Feb. - March 2008