THIS MONTH'S GUEST SPEAKER: "Celestine"
Originally posted on Oct. 2010(The author retains all rights to this material)
THROUGH THE PAIN
I was raised to believe that “I” didn’t matter. As an adult, my mom told me face-to-face that “she loved me because she gave birth to me, but that she never liked me”. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders because all my life I was trying to get the love I needed from her but I was never able to and I couldn’t figure out why. Now I knew. But by then the self destructive behavior had become a way of life that I accepted and brushed off as not being that bad. Hence, the many years of feeling and living “less than” every day of my life. When I am filled with pain, suffering and emptiness, I just don’t use. I don’t have full access to my long and/or short term memories due to the damage I’ve caused to my brain, but for whatever reason I never forget the pain. It seems like that’s all I’m used to. Pain is so familiar to me that it feels like a part of my soul. I choose not to “pick up” and now I go through these feelings along with the feelings of the day, whatever they may be from day to day and sometimes minute to minute.
I am a newborn in the process of life at 42 years old. It is only by the grace of God that I listened to him and put the mind altering substances down and asked for help! But the hope is that I am working on me for the right reasons this time. Writing on the steps, speaking to my sponsor on a daily basis, and staying connected with my network is now the recovery road that I am privileged to be traveling. Thank God for Narcotics Anonymous!!!
I truly would not be free from active addiction if it were not for my network & Sponsor!!!