THIS MONTH'S GUEST SPEAKER: "Anonymous"
Originally posted on May 1999(The author retains all rights to this material)
Before I begin my story, I would like to thank God for another day clean and thank the program of Narcotics Anonymous for showing me how to live.
Ever since I can remember I have always been different, I couldn't understand why I wasn't like the other children; I never seemed to fit in anywhere. I thought maybe it was because I was inter-racial, or maybe because I was a girl being raised by her father. These things may have something to do with my feelings, but the real problem has always been me.
When I was a kid I would eat the fruit left in the glass after an adult had finished a drink, it made me feel better.
When I was twelve I started smoking cigarettes, and soon after pot. Not only did I enjoy the high, but I found a group of people I thought were my friends. We all had something in common; we liked to get high. I also began to drink and occasionally take pills. I didn't care what kind of pills they were, as long as they could take me out of myself.
I started getting into trouble at school and my father decided that it would be a good idea to send me away. I went to stay with an aunt who lived a few states away. This only presented me with new opportunities to take advantage of new people. I was sent home as soon as the school semester ended.
When I was fourteen I ran away from home with a girlfriend of mine. We had about $20 between the two of us. I soon found that I didn't need money to get high or to get my needs met. I learned how to panhandle and stole most of my clothes. I quickly found a boyfriend who provided us with a place to live. I was introduced to hallucinogens and a new variety of new pills. My new friends had a plentiful supply of drugs and readily shared.
By the time I turned seventeen I was turning tricks on 8th Avenue in Manhattan. I had also started shooting dope and cocaine. Mostly I liked coke, but I needed the dope to help me come down sometimes. My veins were very poor and soon I ended up shooting-up in my neck. I liked it better anyway; the high was more intense.
Despite the constant partying, I was miserable inside. Nothing I did could make me feel better. I tried to find help at a detox center. They tested my urine and told me I did not have enough dope in my system to be admitted. I kept getting high.
When I was nineteen I became pregnant. I stopped everything except cigarettes and pot. I did my best to change the way I was living. I thought maybe now I would finally get my life in order. At twenty-three weeks I miscarried. Two weeks later I was back to my old way of living. I only did pills and snorted this time; I promised myself I would never shoot-up again.
I kept that promise to myself, I thought my life was so much better by the time I turned twenty. I only drank and took pills, some days I didn't get high at all! I owned an escort service and considered myself a businesswoman now. I no longer had to sleep with strangers for money, other women did and I got paid for supply. I had money in the bank, but I still felt empty inside.
I became involved with a bible study group, soon after I found myself living what I perceived to be a drug free life. I only drank once in a while and the only pills I took were prescription. My life changed radically. I got married, found new friends, went to college, and started a career. This lasted twelve years. Except when I was working I still felt incomplete, like I didn't belong anywhere.
After almost eleven years with the same man I became very bored. I decided to have an affair. My lover introduced me to crack. Within a year I had left my husband, ditched my lover, left my job and started an escort agency. I did whatever needed to be done to use more. I was now more miserable than I could ever imagine!
On February 6, 1998, after a three day run, I promised God that if I didn't die I would do something about my problem tomorrow. At 6:43 PM I took my last hit. The next day I called the NA hotline, they told me where I could find a meeting. That Sunday I went to my first meeting. The following Tuesday I had three drinks. The only thing this did for me was change my clean date and give me an intense desire to use my drug of choice.
I never went to a rehab or detox center. I paced the kitchen floor with a phone glued to my ear. This is how I established my network and I still keep in contact with these women today. I made twelve meetings a week for almost nine months. Today I am back in my field, working full time and am only able to make five or six meetings a week. I have a sponsor; sometimes she seems to know me better than I know myself
Through working the steps, I have found a God of my own understanding who has removed the desire to use drugs. The steps have also helped me to discover who I am and that I do actually have some assets. I have changed and grown a lot in the past year and am very grateful to this program and the suggestions. Many things have happened over the past year, but no matter what I did not pick-up. I utilized the tools of the program and made meetings to get through. Most of all, I have found people who understand my way of thinking and want to help me get better. I finally belong.
I know I will never be well and my disease does not go away, but with the help of God and Narcotics Anonymous I will continue to get better.